This is a tomb, I'll make them feel right at home.

What makes a game 'bad'?
This week I've been playing, and enjoying, a game widely percieved as bad: the ironically titled Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard (ironic as it's his first ever IRL videogame).
The game revolves around a premise that videogame characters are played by actors, much the same as in motion pictures, who are then uploaded digitally into games. One such actor, the titular Mr. Hazard, enjoyed huge success in the 1980s with a series of self-titled side-scrolling shooters, but his career faded out when he started expanding into other genres such as Kart Racing. Now, twenty-odd years later his studio, 'Marathon Games' has been taken over and the new CEO approaches Matt offering him a starring role in a new next-gen shooter. Unbeknownst to our hero (but knownst to us), the plan was to kill him off in the first act in a twist of M. Knight Shyamalan proportions and replace him with Sting Sniperscope, an Austrian space marine sharpshooter.
Thankfully, Matt has a guardian angel in the form of a mysterious woman known only as 'QA', who hacks into the game just as Matt is about to be executed and provides him with the means to live on. But somebody else is hacking all of Matt's previous enemies into the game to help finish him off...
The game for me sits in the same boat as Dark Sector and Fracture, third person shooters that aren't inherently bad, they just lack the polish and shine of certain other franchises (coughgearscough) that seem to have set the bar for the competition, in the eyes of the general gaming populace at any rate. So I believe at any rate, that the game may have been given a slightly better score if four foul-mouthed rhoid monkeys hadn't curb-stomped onto the scene back in 2006.
Another thing that came with Gears of War is a reliance on a cover system, and Eat Lead's is actually really well done. While in cover, as well as the given option to poke out and shoot and the optional extras of blindfire and vaulting over, you can also point the reticule at another barrier and hit the triangle button and Matt will automatically move up to it fairly quickly, particularly good for when you are under sniper-fire. It's so well implemented, Hazard himself even comments on how good it is.
Of course, the main drawing point of the game is the parodying/paying homages to other franchises. Matt Hazard, as a name, is an obvious reference to Duke Nukem, and this is further evidenced in the game's intro when he mentions his debut FPS: Matt Hazard 3D. Enemies so far have included cowboys, russian soldiers and zombies, not particularly symbolic of any series but all staple enemies, but one has stood out in particular.
There are female enemies, known as Dexter's Darlings as a homage to Charlie's Angels, and one of them is a twin gunned lady in shorts with a ponytail...
Tomb Raider Legend has seen a bit of action this week too. It's hard to believe it's been nearly a year since I last sat down with Ms. Croft for a bit of adventuring, as I snapped up Tomb Raider Underworld on boxing day and finished it in the following week. I tell a lie actually, I found the original Tomb Raider in Gamestation for a quid and played through the first level about 5 months ago, but that doesn't count.
But I had an upset, in that after a couple of hours play and doing about half of the game, my save corrupted and I had to redo the flashback scene in Peru, all of Japan, Africa and Kazahkstan. I'm even surprised at myself for doing it. Anyway, I replayed the entire game and it still holds up well today, if a little ropey as a follow-up to Uncharted 2.
The only real problem I had is that it was the first time I'd played the game on a High Defenition screen, and it is in all fairness a last generation game. The square edges of the scenery were a little too noticeable. There are no straight lines in nature.
And the only other game I played this week was a quick finish of Monkey Island SE. It's amazing in games like that how different you percieve things to what was intended by the developers when you haven't got optimal graphics and sound effects. For example, I hadn't noticed that you can see the food inside the ghost pig's belly as it ate, and I had never really had the Monkey Island Cannibals down as homosexuals in my naive youngster's mind. It just goes to show how much we used to rely on our imaginations to fill in the blanks.
And finally, there was upset this week when Tesco Entertainment listed Left 4 Dead 2 at £15 on their website, and a bunch of the guys from the forum I frequent and I all ordered it, only to be shot down in flames with a nicely worded email explaining their mistake. We did all recieve £2 vouchers for our mental anguish though, and as Monkey Island layed the groundwork for a Point and Click renaissance in 24HG towers, I think I'm going to put mine towards Sam and Max Season 1 on Wii. I'll let you know how that goes.

Gonna take you for a ride...

Since I last posted I had a bit of a sit down with Dark Sector. While my previous complaints stand, something within me just popped and I started to really enjoy it. Might have been helped by the fact that I switched to my wired pad, thus removing the aforementioned problems involved, might have been that my expectations had descended so much that even the slightest positive event seemed monumental in comparison, who knows? Either way, I played it to completion, surprising even myself.
Another thing to note is that I didn't install it to my XBox 360's HDD, and the game didn't crash once. I think it's the only 360 game I've ever played not to do so without install.
As cash flow is tight right now, I've erected a 'Pile of Shame', games that I've had and never completed or in some cases even played. Dark Sector was at the top, followed by No More Heroes, Viking: Battle for Asgard, God of War II, Killzone, Killzone 2, SoulCalibur Legends, Alone in the Dark, Bully: Scholarship Edition on the Wii and Beowulf: The Game. Some Grade-A shit there, I know.
So after Dark Sector's fairly anticlimactic conclusion (I won't ruin the ending, not that there's anything to ruin), I moved on to No More Heroes. The absolute level of bewilderment I experience while playing this game is unfathomable. I'm at the 8th rank, having defeated three other assassins, so about 25% through the story, and I still don't get it. The garbled mistranslated dialog really doesn't help matters either, and I'm still trying to work out why having a shit enables you to save your game. Madness.
As for the gameplay, the combat sequences are really fun and energetic, but it's the bits in between that kind of ruin it. The game forces you into doing mini games and side quests to raise money to take part in assassinations, in a similar way to Saints Row's respect meter. That's right, you have to pay a fee to do your job. And when you complete the assassination, you get paid less than what you started with. I'd consider a career change. So between assassinations, the game is a bit of a chore. And the sandbox area is redundant too, the town is about as big as your average country village, with hardly any traffic or pedestrians wandering round. You can't hurt the pedestrians, steal cars or anything fun, so what's the point? Anyway, it's £6.99 new at Morrison's right now, and it's probably worth that. Maybe my opinions will change again.
After what seemed like an eternity, Marvel vs. Capcom 2 is finally available on the PSN store. Seeing as my PS2 version crashes all the time and the Dreamcast's D-Pad is spastic, I stretched to the 12 quid price tag. Either I got shit at it, or it got harder, because even on the second fight I got my ass handed to me by Rogue, on easy at that. I found Street Fighter II HD Remix a lot harder than Hyper Street Fighter II though, so it might just be that they've made the downloadable games harder to keep the arcade feel.
And to finish off, a mate of mine picked up Tomb Raider: Underworld on the Wii, and informed me of a horrific game breaking glitch where a swinging pole actually disappears from the level, and thee only way to get it back is to restart the level, assuming you have a save from the previous level. He didn't, and thus had to restart the game entirely. Oh dear.

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

I didn't go on to play any of those games right away, instead opting to play Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles. I know, I know, more Resi. Well believe me, this has put me off for now. When I play a Lightgun Shooter, I expect to be able to shoot as fast as I can pull the trigger. On Umbrella, you fire one bullet for every four or five pulls, it shoots at the same speed as a pistol would in one of the old Resi games. If I can pull a trigger that fast, then so can a trained member of a Special Forces team. And this is a game-killing problem, believe me.
The game also had me struggling with whether it's canon or not. The bits based on older games most definitely aren't. It was cool seeing what Wesker was up to though, and playing as him too. And the end of Umbrella Section was okay-ish, even if all of the monsters created exclusively for the game looked arse.
Imagine a world where the slightest tap of the left analogue stick sends you legging it into a wall. Imagine a world where enemies are hit square in the head with a giant spinning shuriken, and just shrug it off. Imagine a world where you can still hear the rain falling after it's stopped. This is no ordinary world. This is Dark Sector's world.
What an absolute shambles. I only started playing last night, so I'm still in the 'benefit of the doubt' phase, although in the hour or so that I played it I got through three chapters, and if the Achievements are anything to go by there are only 9 or 10. My wireless 360 pad has a small fault, in that if the left stick is slightly to the left, it sticks. Normally this isn't a problem, because when it happens your character just slowly shifts across. But Dark Sector only has two speeds; walk fast and leg it. So if I'm behind a wall reloading or something, and accidentally knock the stick, the floppy haired prick just strolls out into a hail of bullets. And respawning enemies in this day and age?
Which brings me to another thing. The cover spots are so obviously placed for a reason, that after you've shot an enemy using one, a new one will appear and run over to the exact same spot. In a gunfight you might as well just line up your crosshairs, sellotape down the right trigger and go read a book or something.
The game is basically the outcome of Gears of War having a drunken one night stand with Resi 4, who then went on to do a lot of crack throughout the pregnancy. Whilst on holiday in Corby. But I'm reserving judgement.
I tried out the Trial version of TMNT Re-Shelled on XBox Live Arcade last night, and it's actually really good. The game still has a very old-school feel, and captures the essence of the old cartoons perfectly, Pizza obsessions and Cowabungas intact. during the trial I had run-ins with a super-size General Krang and Baxter Stockman, and the memories came flooding back. I will be purchasing at some point.
Also, I've just finished the Arkham Asylum demo on PS3, and it's good. Not excellent, but good. The camera view is a bit too close, and Bruce's pointy head always takes up about a quarter of the screen. And, while Mark Hamill is amazing as always as The Joker (ZOMG it's not Heath Ledger he was definitive!!!!!1), Kevin Conroy's heart doesn't seem to be in it fully. Also, the inmates make the Genome Soldiers from Metal Gear seem like they have perfect 20/20 vision, as I was able to sneak up on one virtually from right in front of him. Let's hope Eidos sort this things out before release, but I'm sure they won't this close to the day. Two weeks today boys and girls.

Dammit Tony, they've got Kim!

I've just spent the last week playing 24: The Game on the PS2. Damn Good.
Not only did I get to be Jack Bauer, The game is so far ahead of it's time it's untrue, and I'm kicking myself for not playing it back in the day. It even has physics! It runs on the Havok engine! And not to mention the much coveted cover system, from a time when every game wasn't centered around hiding behind a wall.
Also I've been messing around with Assassin's Creed (forcing myself to replay it because I played it on release and hated it) and Punisher: No Mercy, both on PS3. I've actually really enjoyed Ass Creed this time, although why a slightly-tanned American would be running around in the middle east killing people is beyond me. Maybe they have oil.
No Mercy is, well, it's Unreal Tournament III really. Fair enough, I can play as The Punisher, which would have sold it to me if I couldn't already play as Solid Snake and Cole Train in UTIII. I could argue that it's only £6.29, but you can pick up UTIII for around that now anyway. It's good, don't get me wrong. I still say buy it, but but the PS2/XBox Punisher game first. That's Brilliant.
I actually bought a bunch of games this week too. Killzone 2 is a mere £19.99 at Morissons right now, and Little Big Planet was on Deal of the Week at Blockbuster for a Tenner, so I snapped them both up, and I raided the dreaded '4 for £20' bin and came away with Beowulf, Golden Axe Beast Rider, Dark Sector and a friend got Kane and Lynch. Expect a look at Beast Rider next week.