"I have to say, I was disappointed in this book. It was well written don't get me wrong, but it wasn't in the least bit funny."
That, ladies and gentlemen, is a genuine quote from a review of Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy on Amazon.co.uk. Christina Martin, the author of that quote, you are a special, special person. Of course it's followed by a comment pointing out the hand-clapping retardedness of the review, and sequentially a retort from Ms. Martin claiming to be a patron of sarcasm instead of a window licker, but when someone is that keen to cover their tracks after saying something like that, you have to worry.
Now where was I? Oh yeah. Dante's Inferno, a game developed for release earlier this year by Visceral and published by EA, is a... well, I'm sure there's an official term for the genre, but if any game deserves to be called a God of War clone, it's this one. It's a videogame adaptation of Inferno, the first part of The Divine Comedy, and chronicles the titular Dante, now re-imagined as a Knight Templar, on his quest to reclaim the soul of his lost love Beatrice from the clutches of a decidedly well-endowed Satan, after his own sins condemned her to hell.
I'm not even going to try and sugar coat the God of War references, the game is God of War, just not as good. That's not to say it's a bad game by any means, it just lacks the epicness and polish of even the last generation second of Sony's trilogy, and just seems bland and incomplete in comparison. Hell, for instance, is really well-imagined during the first couple of levels, but after the Lust section (think phallically-shaped towers, writhing scantily clad whores who attack with concealed penises and a 100ft tall woman with mouths for nipples that lick their lips and lactate unbaptised babies), and the fleshy bile-filled Gluttony, the other circles just become routine and virtually identical to each other, and each of them seems to be a short walk followed by a boss fight, rinsed and repeated. When you do come to a puzzle, often the screen is so dark that it's frustratingly difficult to work out what to do as well.
It's hard not to make a Connection between Dante's Inferno and Assassin's Creed too, with Dante being a Templar, and the sect being illustrated as evil in this media too. Not to mention the fact that the short chapters set on Earth are in Acre and Florencia, major settings in AC and ACII respectively. Assassin's Creed II also references Dante Alighieri too, along with Marco Polo, which struck me as clever marketing on Ubisoft's part by drawing association with Dante's Inferno and Uncharted 2, two other major franchises. Who knows?
Be thankful for what this image actually doesn't show.
So anyway, Dante is a very average game, but enjoyable. To those of us who are owners of the XBox 360 exclusively, and no doubt won't admit their burning envy of their God of War playing peers, the game is a godsend. For me, however, it was a decent warm-down session after GoWIII's sensory assault. If I was to give my reviews a score, Dante would be somewhere around the mid-seventies.
Back onto Metro 2033 then, eh? I've come to the conclusion that yes, I do in fact like the game. It's just very hard work. The gas mask filters that were once a very scarce commodity eventually become commonplace, and the weapons gradually get upgraded (my assault rifle, for instance, began as a 'Bastard Gun', a cobbled together atrocity of a weapon which sprays bullets everywhere apart from where you're aiming, and I now carry a scoped AK 47). I've decided that it feels like a piece of Fallout 3 DLC, which at £40 is a little bit steep. I definitely recommend it, but wait until it depreciates in value a smidgen first.
Metro 2033 paints a considerably bleaker post-apocalypse than Fallout 3.
Finally in this week's short-but-sweet report, I've had a go with Invizimals on the PSP. The latest contender to the Pokemon phenomenon's throne, Invizimals comes bundled with the PSP's digital camera, which once equipped allows the player to search for the obligatory tiny battling creatures in one's own home, the bus, the toilet, wherever you want. Once an 'Invizimal' is found, the player catches it, usually by performing an act of animal cruelty such as shooting or hitting them with the palm of your (real life) hand until they submit.
Once captured, the domesticated critter can be forced into cutesified cock-fights with other Poke... Invizimals, which operate more like a one on one fighting game than the turn-based battles in Nintendo's established franchise, and works to a degree, but it's more based on timing than statistics.
And the whole thing is interrupted by filmed cutscenes featuring an annoying hyperactive Japanese 'PSP Scientist' and, who else, the mighty Brian Blessed, who's booming English tutorials give a similar feeling to the patronising tones of Stephen Fry in LittleBigPlanet. In short, Pokemon is awesome, the technology utilized is awesome, and Brian Blessed is awesome. Pokemon might be better, but this is a great alternative for PSP users.
If this picture doesn't make you want to go out and buy Invizimals you're dead inside.
So there you are, a theme! A poor man's God of War, Fallout 3 and Pokemon, right there for you. I know I said I'd play Lost Planet, but truth be told, I've spent too much time playing Red Dead Redemption for that. Yeah, thanks to the generosity of my wife, I have Rockstar's epic, but I'm neglecting to write about it just yet, as three days just isn't enough time for it to fully sink in. So I'm not going to bother closing by saying what to expect next week, because I never live up to it. Apart from Red Dead that is, you can expect that.
Ah, medieval Persia. A place of great beauty. A place of technological wonder. A place where villains are grandiose and theatrical, and heroes are gallant, chivalrous and Caucasian.
So Friday saw me perhaps foolishly overlook Red Dead Redemption in favour of Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands, the 10th game in the PoP series and not a sequel to 2008's un-subtitled Prince of Persia, but an 'interquel' set in between The Sands of Time (which I played last week) and Warrior Within. And it is definitely NOT a movie tie-in.
I did have the game preordered at GAME, along with a limited edition pack of PoP playing cards, but after seeing the queue for Rockstar's Wild West opus, I ducked into HMV instead, whom I discovered were giving away the 1981 version of The Clash of the Titans on BluRay with every purchase of The Forgotten Sands on the PS3. Sold.
So anyway. The prince (unofficially named Dastan in the upcoming Disney film) has been sent by his father (who you had to slay in the first game, having become a sand monster, although that never happened due to the prince rewinding time to before the event, stay with me) to the kingdom of his elder brother, Malik, to learn how to be a successful ruler. Upon his arrival, he finds Malik's palace under siege from unknown invaders, and Malik himself fighting a losing battle. As a last resort Malik unleashes the fabled army of King Solomon, which happens to be an unlimited swarm of sand creatures led by a huge demon named Ratash. With the help of Razia, Ratash's benevolent female counterpart, and the powers she bestows upon him (conveniently including the ability to rewind time a few seconds) the prince has to find a way to defeat the demon and banish the army before the world is overrun and all is lost.
The ice power makes for some very tense moments.
Initially I felt like the game was holding my hand a little bit compared to the prequel, all of the moves and actions seem a lot easier to pull off, and everything moves a lot slower giving you more time to pull them off. The combat has also been noticeably simplified, sacrificing strategic thinking and positioning for waves and waves of easily killed but overwhelmingly numerous enemies for the player to wade through, which sounds like a negative point but in all actuality is extremely satisfying. The major new point is the prince's ability to flash-freeze water, allowing himself access to previously unreachable locations.
Aside from that, the game is pretty much what you'd expect from the series: puzzle-solving, acrobatics and a healthy dose of swordplay. The graphics are spot-on, highly detailed, and the only two visual qualms I had are with the prince himself: his face is distinctly simian looking and his arms have a plastic look about them, similar to Dead or Alive's Ryu Hayabusa. But the detail in his armour is spectacular in HD.
Well, it's an enjoyable game. I'll confess I've only played The Sands of Time and the 2008 PoP up until now, and this game lacks the boy/girl partnership that was done so well in the others. Razia pops up every so often, but it just isn't the same. But that's made up for in the game's cinematic and epic closure, set in the epicenter of a huge sandstorm. Verdict? Not going to win any awards, but fantastic fun and great for any fan of the genre.
So, Metro 2033 then? I haven't got this linking thing worked out. Metro 2033 is a post-apocalyptic First-Person Shooter based on a Russian novel of the same name. The game puts you in the shoes of Artyom, a man born in 2013, the final days of Moscow before the world was devastated by nuclear war and forced to live his first twenty years (2013 + 20 = 2033) in an underground settlement in the city's subway system (hence 'Metro') before leaving for the mutant-infested surface on a mission to save the world. As gamers, I'd forgive you if you think you've heard all this before.
But unlike Fallout 3, the game it shares it's back story with, Metro is a very linear experience, and Moscow is a lot darker and a much more depressing setting than the Capital Wasteland. The scenes set in the subterranean towns are very reminiscent of the flashback/forward scenes in The Terminator, with survivors living woefully in overcrowded squalor. Heading outside is also very different, with the game being set a lot sooner after the nuclear disaster than Fallout 3, making for a more hostile world. The air is still polluted, necessitating the use of a gas mask which requires frequent filter changes. Water is irradiated as you'd expect, and hurts you on contact as opposed to the accumulative nature of the radiation in F3.
Unable to find a Metro 2033 screenshot, I'll have to make do with this stock photo of Birmingham.
Okay, no more Fallout comparisons I promise. The game, as I've mentioned, is very dark and depressing, and mostly (so far, I've only played a couple of hours) spent skulking around in dark tunnels with hideously underpowered weaponry. Ammunition, as you can imagine, is a commodity, and is actually used as currency, with pre-war ammo worth more than the low quality bullets created after the bombs. Things begin to get a bit weird when ghosts start appearing in subway cars, and Artyom is plagued with visions of tall, lank creatures in the darkness, taking you up to just about right where I'm at.
Okay, I can't decide whether this game is really good but hard going, or really, really shit. But it definitely is one or the other. The graphics and atmosphere are both phenomenal, and the fact that the cutscenes play out in first person brings a feel of Half-Life 2 into the mix. Voice acting is hit and miss, with some of the frankly strangest accents I've ever heard flying around, and the characters are all grizzled Russian men, without fail, to the point of not being able to tell them apart. I'll reserve judgment for now, as I'm firmly on the fence with this one.
And that's about it. I finished Alan Wake, and the game seemed to lose it's way a bit. After the first half being genuinely scary, reminiscent of Jame's Herbert's fantastic novel 'The Dark', but not actually that good, the second half brings the gameplay up to scratch, with the story descending into a camp buddy comedy. The whole thing is capped off with a baffling ending that answers no questions and leaves no room for the planned sequels or DLC to follow on from. So the game, while decent, is not a patch on what it could have been.
James Herbert is about the only author this guy doesn't name-drop.
So that's that then. I'll try to be on time next week, with Dante's Inferno, hopefully a verdict on Metro 2033 and I just might possibly get my hands on the original Lost Planet. Time will tell.
